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this masher

Finn: What’s it like not to feel anything?

Estella: Let’s say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear… let’s say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won’t. You can’t be angry at her can you?

Finn: I knew that little girl and I saw the light in her eyes, and no matter what you say or do, that’s still what I see.

Estella: We are who we are. People don’t change.

(IMDb “Great Expectations” (1998) quotes)

I have been that victim, incapable of change.

There, I said it and voicing this insight out loud is HUGE for me.  This way of thinking has been a perverse ugly 900 lb. gorilla on my back for so long I’d forgotten to even notice he was there.  I just carried the weight  without question.  This persuasive primate has pushed me around and pulled me away from the things that seem to be easy basic human rights for other folks.  Things as simple as happiness, health, peace and wealth.  His calling card is self-doubt; his breath smells like failure.

I have named this unruly beast Masher.

Masher and I have been together forever and he’s gotten quite comfortable here in my head.  Banging around like a large angry toddler,  he’s been that gruff restraining voice yelling “No!” ever since I can remember.  I learned early on that when we struggle, he always beats me.  Over the years I have had brilliant glimpses of who I really am but those were quickly contained and squashed, snuffed out and dominated into dust.  In the past I have been a drug addict, a terrible daughter, and a whore; someone who cut her own wrists and hands just to feel something because I was so numb.  Recently I have only identified as a sloppy housewife with an out of control bank account; a harried soccer mom parenting  two kids who personify the phrase “herding cats”.

I’ve been kind of hard on myself.  This is a lot of ape to shake.

What I never understood until now was how well Masher replaced my truth with his own perceptions.  He was happy to hold his hands tightly over my eyes and interpret what was happening for me.  My very own Masher Filter.   What I also didn’t understand was how amazingly well he carried the energy messages I was sending out.  This repeating loop of sucky tainted energy input equals sucky tainted energy output is known as The Law of Attraction.  Everything we perceive is nothing more than vibrating atoms (matter) or the space in between (energy) strained through our stockpile of experience.  The way we view life is the way life appears to us.  Our thoughts exist as energy magnets and what we send out is what we invite.  Sort of the way spitting into the wind works.  What we invest the most energy in is our biggest harvest.  It is only when our experience filter skews our perceptions that things get distorted much like ripples in a pond break up smooth images as a rock is thrown in.  In my case, there has been a big granite boulder attached to my feet.

I’ve been drowning for a long time.

This is where it ends; I am sending Masher packing (with love of course).  It’s not that I don’t appreciate all that my hairy sidekick has taught me because I do.  I would not be me without him.  And I’m not saying it will be an easy ride.  In fact, if the last 45 years are any indication, I have some bruising coming to me.  But in order to survive and redefine myself as the mother, wife, writer, and  light worker I was put on this earth to be, I must lose this incredible weight clamped around my mind, my body, and my spirit.  I must lose the Masher Filter.  I am coming up for air and climbing out of this ocean of subversion.  In other words, in the words of George Taylor from Planet of the Apes:

“Take your stinking paws off of me, you damn dirty ape!”

People do indeed change.